Thedewsperspective

A picture of my wife and I praying. I’m thankful to have a patient and praying partner in life. It makes a difference.

**for educational purposes only**

Most men are silently suffering from decisions they made or didn’t make when they were younger.  That’s why I’m always baffled when men say, “I don’t have any regrets, I’d do everything the same.”  As a 50 plus year old man, I still wrestle with decisions I made as far back as a child that I can’t undo.  I recently told my wife that I sometimes regret not responding to situations in a manner that I wish I had.  But I also realize that if I had responded in that particular manner, the trajectory of my whole life would’ve changed. She asked me, “is knowing that not enough for you”?  No.   So I live with internal discourse that oftentimes rear its ugly head without invitation.  And I just can’t share these feelings with anyone because of perception.  Even though I know perception is just their reality of a situation and not necessarily the truth, it’s still too costly to take the risk.  So, I shhhhh myself.  Even to the ones I love.  And those who love me the most.

Most men are silently suffering from decisions they made or didn’t make when they were younger.  How much younger you may ask.  A week ago.  A month ago.  A year ago.  For instance, some people have gotten away with saying or doing things that could’ve justifiably got their whole head split.  And justifiably, some people have gotten their whole head split for saying and doing things.  But because there are repercussions for both decisions, both individuals are left to deal with the internalization of their actions.  One may be left to feel like a sucker.  The other may be left to deal with felony criminal charges, time served in prison and the lingering effects those things have on your life as you try to move forward.  So, what’s a man to do?

Most men are silently suffering from decisions they made or didn’t make when they were younger.  So, we act out, drink, get high, hoard women, posture, suppress our feelings for as long as we can, until we can’t.  We self-medicate.  We indulge in unhealthy activities to attempt to make ourselves whole.  We blame other people for making us feel how we feel about ourselves.  We lash out.  We become angry.  We become distant.  We become violent.  We become unpredictable, unreliable, undependable.  Then we eventually become absent.  We don’t cry.  We don’t seek counsel.  We don’t do therapy.  We just slowly die from the inside out.  While we damage and destroy all things around us.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DL0pXjDSAtq/?igsh=Z285OXM0ZXY2aHVy

Most men are silently suffering from decisions they made or didn’t make when they were younger.  Most of us weren’t reared to be expressive about our feelings.  As a matter of fact, most of us were reared to not be expressive about our feelings.  Fuck your feelings.  And even those of us who were encouraged to express our feelings.  We soon realized that liberty was only privileged in your home, with your mother.  Outside of that 950 square feet domain, you better keep that shit to yourself, “mama’s boy.”  So once again, fuck your feelings. 

Most men are silently suffering from decisions they made or didn’t make when they were younger.  I’m one who’s considered somewhat intelligent.  Books, street and emotional.  Still there are times when I don’t have the vocabulary to properly articulate my feelings, when I want to share my feelings.  Trying to share feelings that you can’t explain or express can sometimes lead to creating other emotional turmoil for yourself and potentially the person you’re sharing with.  So, what’s a man to do?

Trust you with the most vulnerable piece of me?  My heart, my emotions.  Trust that you won’t use my vulnerability against me?  Trust that you won’t hurt me with the ammunition provided by me?  Trust you?  Trust that you have my best interests at heart?  Trust that you’ll protect me?  Trust that you will not become part of the decisions I made that I suffer from in silence?  Most men are silently suffering. 

Suffering in Silence, Revealed (somewhat) by Cornell Dews